If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
