he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
