My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
