I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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