My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
