This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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