If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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