You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
