fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Pappa wants mamma naked
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
