I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
