If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
