Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
