just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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