Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
