remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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