I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
