SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
