Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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