I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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