Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
