just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
