part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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