i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Oh god it's open bar.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
