when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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