thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
