I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
