Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
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I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
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Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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