my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
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Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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