you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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