guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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