i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
