Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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