I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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