So drunk its hurt
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
