i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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