i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
