Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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