why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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