R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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