did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
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you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
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It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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