I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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