I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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