i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
