Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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