i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
