I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
