i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
