Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
