You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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