she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
