I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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