I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Who died my cat blue again?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
