And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
