Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
