Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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