The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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