I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
