I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
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i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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