Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
